Ole Pappy
One of the world’s best columnists, Irma Bombeck once wrote, “If life is such a bowl of cherries ... why am I always in the pits?”
Of-course the saying was an old one, meant to say life is good — until you realize cherries have pits. Anyway, a columnist in one of my newspapers a long time ago liked Irma Bombeck and she tried to emulate her columns.
So I was particularly struck by one of her famous columns. It went something like this .... One of her daily routines was washing her husband’s clothes. She didn’t mind it so much, but he kept leaving things in his pockets.
So one day she though she’d get the better of him. He came home, landed in his easy chair, kicked off his shoes and grabbed his favorite beverage. Just as he was launching into his favorite newspaper (which was a tradition for him each evening), his wife came in with a bowl.
She dumped it in his lamp. Out fell a whole pile of soggy, wet books of matches. Her husband was a smoker and he had many books of matches.
The husband jumped up and tried to brush the water and dirty books of matches off his lap.
“What do you think you’re doing?” he demanded. The wife, who had this plan in her head, simply looked at him and said, “I washed all your matches. Now you don’t have to leave them in your pockets for me to wash anymore.”
As you’ve figured out by now, the wife got the last laugh. But it brings me to the storyline. I do a lot of washing to my own clothes and I am amazed about two things — both of which my wife told me over and over again before I began washing my own clothes.
The first one was: “Where does all this paper come from that litters the machine after I finish washing?” Does someone come in an throw it into my washing machine to make a mess? I just can’t figure it out. My wife is constantly telling me, make sure you don’t put the colors in with the whites.
I can’t for the life of me figure out what she’s talking about. Clothes are clothes. What difference does it make what color they are? Oh yeah, how come every time I put clothes in the dryer I can hear clinking and clanging going on in the machine.
Did someone throw nuts and bolts into my washer when I wasn’t looking? Of-course, I dig through the pile, take them all out one-by-one, then discover I’d left this whole pile of change in my pockets.
I’ve washed dollar bills, notebooks, a huge variety of ink pens, lip balm, combs and many other such items too numerous to mention. But the most disgusting thing I’ve done is wash my entire billfold.
Now, that’s disgusting. You have to take out each bill, each paper, your drivers license, etc. and dry them out separately, all the time hoping your billfold can still be used.
Believe me, it’s nasty to open the washer and have your billfold fall out. So all I’ve got to say when these things happen is, “So why is life a bowl of cherries if I’m in the pits?”
My wife also wasn’t happy when she saw me “guess” concerning how much detergent I put in the machine.
“You’ve got to measure it out,” she said.
My answer: “Why?” Oh, by the way, my wife doesn’t let me wash anything in her machines. She’s pretty territorial about it.
Now I understand why. She likes to do it right!
LAUGH A LITTLE: Not a happy defendant A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What do you do for a living?” Defendant: “This and that.” Judge: “Take him away.” Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?” Judge: “Sooner or later.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: As my Ole Pappy used to say, “Life teaches us to make good use of time, while time teaches us the value of life.” Ole Pappy once told me, “Time doesn’t stand still, but it is flies away forever if you waste it.” Thanks Ole Pappy!