Ask the Chief

 In Law Enforcement, I see many things and meet all kinds of people. Some are nice. Some are nasty. Some are giving and some are dangerous.

In EVERY SINGLE encounter, one thing is always consistent.

There are people who are enabling those involved.

For those of you not familiar with the term enabling, it means, "a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another".

While this can sometimes be of malicious intent, it is most often the result of a very caring and loving individual who is genuinely trying to help someone.

This scenario is often made worse because the people involved have a codependent relationship which means, "Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.”

Like a moth to a flame, people who are struggling with issues will draw to themselves enablers and create codependent relationships.

As I said earlier, this is rarely malicious. People do need help and there are those who want to help.

The problem comes when the helper is not qualified to provide real life changing assistance or when the one needing help doesn't really want to change.

This creates a circle of behavior where the person in need has a problem, the helper steps in to assist, the problem is partial resolved and then problem happens again. It is much like a dog chasing his tail.

Nothing changes and everyone keeps repeating the same unhealthy behavior. I have seen this with parents and children. I have seen this with spouses. I have seen this with friends. I have seen this with co-workers.

I have seen this in churches and every other group of people who care about others.

My purpose in bringing this to your attention is to encourage you to take a REAL and HONEST look at your relationships and how you go about helping people.

There is nothing wrong with being there for someone else but are you helping them change or are you helping them to continue their self-destructive behavior?

Questions to ask yourself include, How long have I been trying to help this person? If you answer that you have been helping someone for some time and nothing has changed it is very possible that you are an enabler.

Has there been any lasting change of behavior? If you answer that there has been no change or only superficial change over an extended period of time then it is possible that you are an enabler.

Is the majority of my contact with this person only when they are in trouble and need help?

If you answer yes, then it is very possible that you are an enabler in a codependent relationship.

So what should you do?

1. Be honest with yourself and recognize the warning signs.

2. Set boundaries and stick to them.

3. Get help. Don't take on someone else problem alone.

4. Learn to say NO and be consistent.

5. When in doubt, give me a call.